Louie Aragon Hello Everyone!

Mixed Emotions

I have to say even though I broke up with my Ex, I did still think about her every now and then because it is hard, you can’t just pull someone out of your memories and not care. I think now after talking to this other women, I can’t say girl because she is older than me, but I now realize she really was not for me, I think it was the whole opposites attract kind of deal because I really don’t recall much of our relationship, fought, had a hard time talking and when we did I always felt like an ass because I made her cry. Not because of myself but because she would express herself in that why, and always treated me as if everything was my fault and I am sure even though I broke up with her because she screwed up, I am sure in her eyes and her family’s eyes, I screwed up. Oh well I know I didn’t thats why I am able to move on and forget.

This new women, She said she has a boyfreind so I guess I am out of luck, we talked for the longest time in the world, about almost everything. We agreed on almost everything also. She loves movies, which made me fall for her. She said she never gets to go but wishes she could, and I almost wanted to be like “pick me, I will take you everyday!” - Same values, same fears.. especially with marriage and love. Both of us are worried about the outcome life is going to bring us. She is the only woman so far to make me believe that not all women/girls are the same as my Ex. I would thank her, but I probably won’t ever see her again in the same instance I did the other night.

I was looking for false love everywhere, I just wanted to care for someone and someone to care for me, thinking I could recoup the past relationships or even the ones I could have made along the way during my dating period. I think because I was searching for it, it was not there for me. Those girl’s and women no longer cared for me, or they never did in the same way I did for them. So I stopped and just left love alone, and god led me to this one, but come to find out shes taken.

I also try my best my writting in a journal to recoup and save past memories of my childhood, not memories of today. I was to rememeber what I am starting to forget, and not what I still know. Now I realize that my Ex was not the first girl to break my heart. It was middle school when I first fell into what I called love, me and her, we talked for hours upon hours on the phone, back when using the housephone was the cool thing. I don’t even remember what we talked about for so long sometimes but even though we were somewhat close I never could shake the feelings of being nervous with her. I remember that first time holding her hand, my first time EVER holding a girls hand in that context. I am not sure if I was nervous because of the people around school telling me to ask her out on a date, or if I was nervous because she really did like me and I had just never felt that before. Then I think it was after a week or so of us talking and holding hands or whatever, my mind is a tad blurry, she told me she liked someone else and didn’t want to be with me. This last part of it is a little fuzzy to me but this is exactly how I am remembering it, and I doubt she will tell me I am wrong lol.

I think because of these instances of failure to be loved, I feel scared about giving my heart away to someone, to anyone at all. I feel this is a shame to the person who I do end up with to marry and be with through think and thin, forever whether we have problems or not. Maybe I am overreacting about things but I have to say, no one can explain love for another persons life, the only way a person can fully know what love is, through experience. I think I experienced badly with love. Especially coming from a broken family. My moms side of the family was always butting heads with each other over nonsense. Just now my parents are divorced and my mom is dating someone, my sister and I hardly get to see each other or talk since I moved out with my dad, and thanks to my job I see my dad everyday when I wake up, or later for dinner. Sadly my relationship with my mother is completely broken, I can’t even talk to her on the phone anymore because all she ever does is upset me or make me angry. She has my phone number but doesn’t know where we live so that is the best part. She expects me to treat her like a mother, and I try my best. She thinks just because she is my mom that rules or respect don’t work towards me in my favor and she is wrong, I am adult and I DONT have to put up with the nonsense if I don’t have too. So now I know it is hurting her, but I took everything I need from my mom’s house and I am more than likely never going back there. I have no good memories from that house. I hated the fact we became well off, it turned our family worse then what it was, even though it was already messed up.

I am just talking about it her for the world because I can honestly say right now, I have no one to talk to so I don’t care who I tell at this point. Consider this part of my life story in the making, if it ever gets created. That is why my new project is going to be amazing, I don’t want people to go through the shit of everyday life and have to be stuck holding it in, and feeling terrible like I do. I want to help young adults like me so that they can express themselves and grow, so that they do not have to suffer with that pain they hold, but I want them to express themselves and feel better by just letting go of all that pain and sorrow.

I hope I can make a difference, I really want too.