I have to say even though I broke up with my Ex, I did still think about her every now and then because it is hard, you can’t just pull someone out of your memories and not care. I think now after talking to this other women, I can’t say girl because she is older than me, but I now realize she really was not for me, I think it was the whole opposites attract kind of deal because I really don’t recall much of our relationship, fought, had a hard time talking and when we did I always felt like an ass because I made her cry. Not because of myself but because she would express herself in that why, and always treated me as if everything was my fault and I am sure even though I broke up with her because she screwed up, I am sure in her eyes and her family’s eyes, I screwed up. Oh well I know I didn’t thats why I am able to move on and forget.

This new women, She said she has a boyfreind so I guess I am out of luck, we talked for the longest time in the world, about almost everything. We agreed on almost everything also. She loves movies, which made me fall for her. She said she never gets to go but wishes she could, and I almost wanted to be like “pick me, I will take you everyday!” – Same values, same fears.. especially with marriage and love. Both of us are worried about the outcome life is going to bring us. She is the only woman so far to make me believe that not all women/girls are the same as my Ex. I would thank her, but I probably won’t ever see her again in the same instance I did the other night.

I was looking for false love everywhere, I just wanted to care for someone and someone to care for me, thinking I could recoup the past relationships or even the ones I could have made along the way during my dating period. I think because I was searching for it, it was not there for me. Those girl’s and women no longer cared for me, or they never did in the same way I did for them. So I stopped and just left love alone, and god led me to this one, but come to find out shes taken.

I also try my best my writting in a journal to recoup and save past memories of my childhood, not memories of today. I was to rememeber what I am starting to forget, and not what I still know. Now I realize that my Ex was not the first girl to break my heart. It was middle school when I first fell into what I called love, me and her, we talked for hours upon hours on the phone, back when using the housephone was the cool thing. I don’t even remember what we talked about for so long sometimes but even though we were somewhat close I never could shake the feelings of being nervous with her. I remember that first time holding her hand, my first time EVER holding a girls hand in that context. I am not sure if I was nervous because of the people around school telling me to ask her out on a date, or if I was nervous because she really did like me and I had just never felt that before. Then I think it was after a week or so of us talking and holding hands or whatever, my mind is a tad blurry, she told me she liked someone else and didn’t want to be with me. This last part of it is a little fuzzy to me but this is exactly how I am remembering it, and I doubt she will tell me I am wrong lol.

I think because of these instances of failure to be loved, I feel scared about giving my heart away to someone, to anyone at all. I feel this is a shame to the person who I do end up with to marry and be with through think and thin, forever whether we have problems or not. Maybe I am overreacting about things but I have to say, no one can explain love for another persons life, the only way a person can fully know what love is, through experience. I think I experienced badly with love. Especially coming from a broken family. My moms side of the family was always butting heads with each other over nonsense. Just now my parents are divorced and my mom is dating someone, my sister and I hardly get to see each other or talk since I moved out with my dad, and thanks to my job I see my dad everyday when I wake up, or later for dinner. Sadly my relationship with my mother is completely broken, I can’t even talk to her on the phone anymore because all she ever does is upset me or make me angry. She has my phone number but doesn’t know where we live so that is the best part. She expects me to treat her like a mother, and I try my best. She thinks just because she is my mom that rules or respect don’t work towards me in my favor and she is wrong, I am adult and I DONT have to put up with the nonsense if I don’t have too. So now I know it is hurting her, but I took everything I need from my mom’s house and I am more than likely never going back there. I have no good memories from that house. I hated the fact we became well off, it turned our family worse then what it was, even though it was already messed up.

I am just talking about it her for the world because I can honestly say right now, I have no one to talk to so I don’t care who I tell at this point. Consider this part of my life story in the making, if it ever gets created. That is why my new project is going to be amazing, I don’t want people to go through the shit of everyday life and have to be stuck holding it in, and feeling terrible like I do. I want to help young adults like me so that they can express themselves and grow, so that they do not have to suffer with that pain they hold, but I want them to express themselves and feel better by just letting go of all that pain and sorrow.

I hope I can make a difference, I really want too.

I finally went to see the movie and regret spending $11 on my ticket. I am not saying that the film was bad, it was really good but there was to much hype over something that should have been just another new release. Half of the people going to see transformers 2 only go because of other people, they saw the first one and that is it. The other half only go because they used to or at some point watched the cartoon, read books/comics. I honestly am pissed that I could have just went to the $4 movie theater and enjoyed it the same if not better, because people now and days have no Movie Theater Etiquett. You would figure it is like a walk in the park, just like watching a movie at home, you don’t make a mess, you don’t shout random stuff in the movie and you don’t talk (depends on what your watching though). Yet people do not follow the same guidelines at the movie theater, come on.. grow up people. I like to enjoy my movies just as much as the next person. I know yelling sexually explicit sentences is funny here and there but keep it outside, and throwing stuff… it can be funny but save it for a theme park or the regular park. Why spend like $6 on popcorn or candy to just throw it, hell give me the $6 and I will follow you outside to your car and just hit you with a pepple. It’s Free. Leaves. FREE.

I am just glad I waited for the rush of everyone wanting to see the movie to go down, I HATE seeing movies at big theaters unless it is worth it. Never at night time either, unless it is a date, and even then I will take her to the $4 theater.. because their is like 10 people in the theater MAX sometimes =]

What is it that sometimes even though we know a person we are unable to fully understand that person and why they act the way they do. Just as an example, I love my mother dearly but I moved out and have not seen her in a long time. She literally had just called me but I missed the call, called back 5 minutes later and shes like I just got somewhere let me call you back in 30 mins. I am like what… you just called to talk to me, and we never talk or see each other and you just push me aside because your at someones house?.. it made me feel as if I was important enough for her to be like “is it alright if I take this call real quick”. That is at least trying, but I guess image is everything isn’t it?

I am going to go chapter by chapter for each book I read, and try to share what I read and what I understand from it. I am reading out of the NIV, not sure what the difference is compared to the NKJV or what not. I think this will help with my spiritual growth as well, as to help those around be who also do not understand. I may also do some video episodes and have my father teach, he is no Pastor but I know he knows a great deal more than I do and many of us out there.

Starting Later today or Tomorrow I will begin with Genisis Chapter 1, and go from there with a chapter a day. I hope to get your responses with if you understand it the same, or if you don’t get it, or maybe if what I think is wrong. This will be a learning experience for me to learn the bible, but to also share it along the way.

Thanks. Louie Aragon